it-is's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is not a cry for help unless that help involves death It feels like my whole life is a mistake I can't take back. That slow sick feeling that sits in the bottom of your soul and aches, infinitely, the knowledge that you are Wrong, that everything is Wrong and you'll never get another chance, not ever. It's been 31 years of errors and mistakes and pain and I thought, I really thought that by now it would maybe be okay. I thought I would get through the pain and be a stronger person because of it, and maybe for a second I was, before it all went bad. I wasted so much time waiting to be okay before I did anything and now I know I'll never be okay and I'll never do anything and I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't handle the guilt and the shame and the anxiety that are all I know how to feel. There are people out there who've gotten the hang of this living thing, the people touched by gold who've gotten it all figured out and I am not one of them. I'll never be one of them. I don't want to pass this on to the next generation, I shouldn't be allowed to have children. I shouldn't be allowed to poison the world I live in. Like I already am. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to hurt anymore. It takes all my effort just to hold myself up and pretend that I'm alive. For the sake of everyone around me, so they aren't uncomfortable. But there's nothing inside, just empty gestures and a hollowed-out ribcage and a frozen smile. Guess I'm already dead. I just want the outside to match, now. 11:59 a.m. - 2019-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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