it-is's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just want to sleep, i'm so, so tired. I swallowed so much failure and self-doubt and confusion and loathing today that I felt drunk, pushing through thick, heavy moments in a haze of glazed over eyes and who-gives-a-shit, wish-I-were-dead, muted thoughts that echoed like in an abandoned warehouse. Everything around me was a phantom. The people who love me are barely visible, I don't feel it, the love or the empathy or the . I'm pretty sure I'm just annoying, I wear people down, use up all their goodwill, but it's not my fault. I give every possible out and nobody takes them and I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. I leave the gates of the prison wide open and nobody runs. (I wish they would run.) I feel alone anyway and maybe it's better that way. Maybe it'll be easier to disappear when everyone stops looking, the final illusion of a desperate magician. But today, wandering in the grey dead world of depression moving in slow motion and just trying not to cry long enough to get home, get somewhere safe, get away from all the eyes and the judgements and the indifference, I had one soothing thought. This won't be like this for much longer. It'll be over soon. If nothing changes by 2020 I've decided I'm giving up. 8:23 p.m. - 2019-06-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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