it-is's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i punish myself and i can't expect you to stop me i want to tell you everything, from start to finish like a storybook handed down from generation to generation. and i want to kiss dandilions with you in the summer, blow away our wishes in the wind and not even care if they come true or not 'cause we'd have each other and that's enough. i want to get grass stains with you on my knees and my back and my elbows, let's feel the sun on our faces and the heat in the air and breathe in freedom. if only you were here, if only you felt that feeling and wanted it so bad like me, then maybe [maybe] we'd get that summer. i'd get you. missing the past is worse than wanting the future 'cause you can't go back but you're always going forward, like an everticking metronome, keeping time until you're gone. until you're dead and buried and then slowly it'll slow down until the last bit of warmth has left your fingertips. i want to smash it, watch the gears and wires and mechanics shatter like the glass i know i'm made of so i can watch myself end, watch myself disappear and my future die. i want you to know what it feels like; do you know how i hurt and how i want to numb my stomach so this ache goes away? can't you see it in my eyes when i look at you? [though i try not to] i'm behind a brick wall. but i think i built it myself, around me like a fortress to keep boys like you out. i built myself up into this misery, and i can't blame you for backing off. you're only a boy, after all. 8:13 p.m. - 2003-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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