it-is's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the newest beginning of many This is the first time in a long time that I've felt something akin to the sublime; that I've again understood life and the world as indifferent, cruel, and painfully exquisite. I missed this feeling. I missed this space. The winding paths our thoughts traverse in any given moment are worth exploring, like thinking about thinking. Appreciating the act of thinking itself, as well as the thoughts which create such a journey. Tonight was full of shamanic, religious experiences; incense burned and tears fell and the darkness came slowly through the slats of the kitchen door; silence was everywhere but there was no empty, hollow feeling--a feeling that has been haunting me for the past year or more. There was a fullness to the hum around me. I was satiated, overwhelmed. Images and sounds of Sangomas, faith healers, mediators between the human and spirit worlds pushed at me from the inside out, screaming, forcing me to acknowledge their presence, greet the ever-expanding unknowable universe. Embrace everything. Madness, that ancient form of uncivilized wildness, wrote Michael Cornwall, Ph.D. who danced through the issue with the grace of a child who is too young to be self-aware. Madness, insanity--it will tell you things about yourself you would never be able to admit. The Gestalt theory states that we should be exactly who we are, instead of trying to be what we are not. And my question was, how do we know what we are, and what we are not? Where is that line that we have to draw, how do we distinguish nowadays when everything is want and need and never happiness or satisfaction, just more need and want and must and should? It has been a long day, but one worth having lived through, for it brought me here, in a roundabout way; it brought me back to this place, and it took me somewhere entirely unfamiliar--an old haunt, new eyes. We are constantly being constructed and disassembled, in every instant of our lives. Stardust. Dinosaurs. Prehistoric sea monsters. Pirate shipwrecks. Ancient manuscripts that crumbled to dust when rediscovered thousands of years later in Egyptian tombs buried beneath the desert sands. Insects fossilized in amber. Everything. And us. I know beauty. It finds its way into the ugliest of truths, and furthers their cause. 12:52 a.m. - 2012-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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