it-is's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- latched on, laying eggs, propagating I woke up at 4:30am from a stressful dream that followed me into the waking world and haunted my thoughts for the next two hours as I rearranged myself on my bed again, and again, and again; the thoughts were like barbs that I couldn't remove, they clung to everything and spoiled any glimpse of kindness I could show myself, rotted right through them until I gave in and tried to do something mindless and pointlessly fun. But the attacks followed me even there, I couldn't properly enjoy anything. I am crushed under some weight and I don't know where it came from, most days are bad but today is like a horde of monsters that won't stop tracking my every move, word, breath. Every thought deviates from its path into a muddy, hopeless ditch and my wheels spin there and spin and spin and I am covered, I am filthy, I am drowning in mud and filth, and the worst part is I know it's all my mind and I can't blame anyone, not even myself, I just battle this thing that is me but isn't me, this self-sabotaging imposter that must have slipped in and taken over when I wasn't looking, when I was busy doing other things, when I was sleeping. And now I'm awake and hanging on for my life. Parasites have no goal other than to slowly take over its host while keeping it alive, right? That's what this feels like. Depression isn't an illness, it's a foreign invader. 7:50 a.m. - 2022-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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